Translation of the Facebook memory from the 3rd of July 2012: Like a newborn baby deer, I took my first stumbling steps tonight since I got the three herniated discs 1 1/2 years ago. In total I jogged for about 4 minutes on soft forest paths and walked in between. The pain is far from non-existent & the big test will be tomorrow to see if I can get out of bed… But right now I am the happiest girl in the world! The happiness is total!
This memory brings some joy, but mostly sadness, anger, and resignation.
Why? I was so happy.
Yes, I was so thrilled that I had managed to run a few meters after 1 1/2 years of rehab for my three herniated discs.
A few days later, I was raped, and it all backfired.
I had to start my rehab all over again.
Another year of herniated disc rehab.
I met with the surgeon from the Spine Center.
He didn’t want to proceed with surgery on my back.
Too risky when it was on three levels, and it would mean many more surgeries for the rest of my life.
We agreed.
I didn’t want the surgery.
Surgery is never risk-free, and it’s definitely not a quick fix. Rehab still has to be done.
Fellow friends of the perpetrator commented: “But he who is so kind. Hard to believe he would do something like that.”
The woman is questioned.
The man is pitied.
When is society going to start believing that women are telling the truth?
When will society start putting the shame where it belongs?
With the perpetrator!
He received no punishment.
I got double punishment.
The psychic memories that forever haunt me.
The physical pain that unraveled everything I had fought for so long.
My joy.
My spark of life.
As far as I know, he still works as some kind of manager at the big lift company in Vemdalen. I have no urge to go to Vemdalen. I prefer real mountains.
I had a hard time motivating myself for the rehab training.
Start from the beginning.
Start using the hard plastic orthosis again.
Go down to the hospital’s basement and start over with the rehab program with the physical therapists who were so jaded and bored that they added no pep and motivation.
I knew that no one else could do my rehab for me.
I had to do it myself.
Motivated or not.
I just had to do it.
The alternative of not doing it at all didn’t exist.
The pain would be unbearable.
I had done it before and knew I could do it again. It was just so terribly painful.
I could have taken it if I had done myself any harm.
It was someone else who did it to me.
Doing some of the worst things you can do to another human being.
Violate her integrity.
Not listening when she say no.
So this memory gives double feelings. Because now I know that the happiness I felt when that picture was taken didn’t last for many days. But I know that I did what I’ve always done. I fought on and got back up and forward again. Because I knew it was my choice to choose how I handled it.
That is always the case. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can always control how we choose to deal with it. Without my mental training and the incredibly strong mental resilience I’ve built up over the years, it’s doubtful I’d even be alive today.
But the curiosity about life is greater than the longing for death.
So I’m still here.
I continue to live.
I live for me.
For the sake of life.
To stand up for me.
To stand up for others living with pain.
Because my mission is far from complete.
Because I have my life spark and I want to LIVE!
🙌 ❤️ ✊
With love,
Cattis ❤️
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